Sometimes I look down at my slender, toned form with utter despair. Let me tell you, it is tiresome being a skinny girl in a ?real woman?s? world ? all those superior ?curvy? women cutting shaming side glances at me as if to say ?eat a sandwich, preferably with extra mayo, bitch?. It?s not my fault that large quantities of fatty food give me persistent steatorrhea?and gaseous emissions that could knock out a rhino, or that sugary snacks have a tendency to make me even more hyper and annoying. I try to tell people I was born this way and that my body has been resistant to extra poundage since I was a baby, but they just won?t listen. ?Nuh-uh, girl, you just need to focus some more on sitting down on comfortable surfaces and trying not to move, and on eating some things. Deep fried things?.
Let?s face it: fat must be fashionable, if we go by the law of ?everyone?s doing it?. Hell, most of the female celebrities today are out and proud with their chubby selves, (Gaga, Christina, Mariah, Jessica, etcetera) and some men have even devoted entire blogs to their fetishisation of larger ladies.
To cut through the blubber, I decided to reach out to one of my favorite bloggers, Bronan the Barbarian to find out why larger ladies are so fucking hot right now. He himself suffers from a way more severe case of buffness than me, but since he is mankind?s last hope for salvation in general, I figure he?s in the best place to give me the skinny on why skinny is just not cool any more.
It seems like all the cool kids are getting fat in America right now. Why is obesity so popular?
You?re absolutely correct. Being a large lardy lad or big beautiful woman is the new trend, and I for one am excited that Americans are shedding the burden of physical fitness. I?m going to defer to this infographic in order to explain why being fat is awesome:
Have you ever ridden a mobility scooter? They?re better than a trip to Disneyland and you can freely move about your local Walmart in low-impact comfort and style.?As we all know, physical fitness is nothing but a media-created ideal that nobody can live up to, ever.?You don?t need an ?excuse? for obesity ? just go for it!?Real men drink real beers and develop real beer guts. Getting fat is our natural state, just like when you feed trash?to a goat.
What?s the fattest girl you were ever with??
I?m a little ashamed to admit that I haven?t really been with any ?fat? girls. The largest girl I?ve ever done the megafauna mambo with was only a meager 475 lbs (which is something like 5,123 ?kilometers? since you use that weird ass ?metric? system. So dumb). She swallowed an entire chicken bone once and I had to?take her up to the Oregon Zoo?for a scan. I think it made the news. It was fun though, we got ice cream.
If food = love, then more food = more love. Duh!
Do you think feminists are more, or less inclined to be overweight than regular women, and what do you make of the popular theory going around now that they are personally masterminding the upswing in obesity?
A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle, and a feminist needs exercise and razors like a velociraptor needs a ShamWow.?Any woman who wants to be obese, or for that matter, covered in a thick layer of sasquatch-like body fuzz is strong and/or?independent?and any man who says otherwise is probably a rapist. All I can say is ?you go grrrrl!??
Christina Aguilera says of her considerable weight gain that ?I got tired of being a skinny, white girl. I am Ecuadorian but people felt so safe passing me off as a skinny, blue-eyed white girl. The next time my label saw me, I was heavier, darker and full of piercings!? But now she is a ?skinny white girl? with a weight problem and a really tragic look, in essence. Is she prettier fat, or could it be that obesity-induced diabetes has destroyed the eyesight of the world??
I?m so happy for Christina! I remember trying to rub one out to the video for ?Genie In A Bottle? and ragequitting in frustration. ?Wow, I could floss my teeth with this girl. Why can?t she put some meat on that loaf?? I was worried they had a tragic high fructose corn syrup shortage in Ecuador, but luckily her home country must have stepped out of the stone age and finally imported a Kentucky Fried Chicken or two. Those hips don?t lie baby!
Similarly, according to a ?close friend?, Jessica Simpson was so desperate to escape her WeightWatchers minders that she considered lap band surgery but doctors turned her down because it requires some serious lifestyle adjustments. Why would someone want to stop gorging on ridiculous quantities of junk, any idea?
You know, for someone who has the word ?cakes? in her blog title, I?m starting to think you?re not into fat acceptance at all.
You wake up and you are in charge of the world. First mandate, stop all this ridiculous negative press against obesity in its tracks. How do you achieve this??
If I woke up as dictator, my first task would be to purchase a really cool dictator hat. Secondly I?d help end the obesity crisis by air dropping emergency bags of McDonalds to every gym and skinny African country. This scourge must end.
Bronan the Barbarian is the world?s greatest humor blogger and mankind?s last hope for salvation. Read about his legendary exploits at?www.BronanTheBarbarian.com?or follow him on?Facebook?and?Twitter.?
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